My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.
My dates are always upset when I tell them I’m a bus driver.
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if people call you fat...”
You’re much bigger than that.
Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Her: "Undress me with your words."
Me: "I saw a spider in your bra."
Why does Neptune have so much methane?
It got it from Uranus.
I don't trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
So many people these days are too judgmental
I can tell just by looking at them.
To the person in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.
You can hide, but you can't run.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
When I was little, my parents always fed me alphabet soup, claiming that I liked it, but they were just...
...putting words in my mouth.
I’m always Frank with my sexual partners.
I don’t want them to know my real name.
After many years of procrastination I have finally finished my book on common herbs...
It's about thyme.
If i had a DeLorean,
I would probably drive it from time to time.
If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
is that a romantic jester?
After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won't admit she framed me.
Why didn't 4 ask out 5.
Because he was 2²
Everyone at our wedding cried.
Even our wedding cake was in tiers.
Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?
Luckily I’m in the other 5%.
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It’s not a long poem, but it’s deep.
How many spiders does it take to create an app?
None. Spiders don’t make apps; they only design web sites!
So, I read a study the other day claiming that "humans eat more bananas than monkeys".
Which - to me - sounded a bit obvious. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink.
“It’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff”, said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff”, he replied.
“Sure”, said the bartender, “no hassle”.