Best dad jokes on twitter - we’re also on Instagram and Facebook. Order All New Dad Says Jokes on link below.
I say my secret superpower is detecting Indian flatbread in any given room.
My friends all say it’s naan-sense.
A blind person was eating seafood.
It didn’t help.
All new dad jokes book out neeeoooooooooow - click link in the bio 😜👍
Most people are shocked when they find out...
...how incompetent I am as an electrician.
I don’t have a “dad bod.”
I have a father figure.
I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
It’s called feefiphobia.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said: “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings.”
So I got her nothing.
I’m not a fan of big soda.
But I’m very fond of Minnesota.
You may not believe that blackface happened in Canadian Politics...
Today I yelled into a colander.
I strained my voice.
If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen...
..the door is always open.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing. They fast...
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away...
...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate said: “Aye, it’s driving me nuts.”
My son tried coffee for the first time today and said it tasted like dirt.
I told him: “It was just ground this morning.”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
All of them replied: “How the hell did you get in here?”
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
It's easy to deter ladies from eating tide pods.
It’s more difficult to deter gents.
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what’s inside a wrapped present.
It’s a gift.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?
I took a pole today...
...and found out that 100% of people get upset when a tent falls on top of them.
Where do poor Italians live?
In the spa-ghetto.