Who can drink 5L of gas and not get sick?
Do you have any idea what they do to eggs in prison?
It ain't over easy.
I threw an engagement ring at my girlfriend, but she dodged out of the way.
It was a near Mrs.
I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now!
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?
A tiny part of me says yes.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Job interviewer: “At the start you’ll be earning £20,000; later that will increase to £40,000.
Me: “OK, I’ll come back later.”
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
“This takes me back.”
They said i couldn't be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic.
But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Where is the GYM located at Hogwarts?
Right through the Dumbell Door.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest.
For I have synonymed.
My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”
What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles. The first and last letters are a mile apart.
You know there's no official training for garbagemen?
They just pick things up as they go along.
I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent....
It goes without saying...
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?
Why did the angry doctor go out of business?
Because he was losing his patience.
My wife dumped me for only talking about video games.
It’s such a ridiculous thing to fallout 4.