Best dad jokes on twitter - we’re also on Instagram and Facebook. Order All New Dad Says Jokes on link below.
I spent $80 on a belt that didn't fit.
My wife said it was a huge waist.
Did you hear about the butcher that sat on his meat grinder?
I got a little behind in his work.
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside? I said Lukewarm.
I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf...
He said: “Sorry the steaks are too high.”
Got my eyes tested today and told the doctor I could see into next year...
He said I had 2020 vision..
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
I was at the museum and saw a painting of a bowl, with milk and some kind of food inside.
It was surreal.
Why does ketchup always have good vision?
Because Heinz sight is always 20:20.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
To the two criminals that stole my calendar:
I hope you both get six months.
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door.
I was trying to figure out why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.
What do you call a zombified piece of toast?
My friend moved to a new house recently, so I bought him a housewarming gift.
Believing in 12.5% of the Bible.
Makes you an eight theist.
Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
I want to dedicate this Dad joke to my father, who is a roofer.
So dad if you’re up there...
What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?
Ah, I see you’re a man of culture as well.
In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently.
It means a lot to them.
To the guy who stole my antidepressants...
I hope you’re happy now.
I bought my wife a mannequin leg for Christmas.
It wasn't her main present, just a stocking filler.