My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
But my wife insists it's for Dyslexia.
I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.
He just didn’t cut it.
My wife is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker
But I think she's bluffing.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
Then it would be a foot.
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing his own incision?
Why did the dad joke cross the road?
To get to the other sigh.
My favorite old coat is falling apart and now I'm going to have to throw it out
or sew it's seams....
If you think that your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough...
the vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years...
What's the difference between a simple person and a pizza?
One is easy to cheat, the other is cheesy to eat.
What’s the difference between a bowl of moldy lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad, and the other is a sad ballad.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives, but the frogs croaks every night.
Why do librarians hate tennis?
Too much racket.
The other day my wife asked me how I became so damn good at making love.
I told her she should thank all the women that came before her.
I went into the pharmacy and asked the assistant, "What is the best thing for killing germs?"
"Ammonia cleaner." She replied.
I said, "Sorry, I thought you worked here."
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
But Patrick is the star.
You should always fear a pirate duck.
He has the power to unleash the quackin.
My dad told me his password is: MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin.
Because he was told his password had to contain 8 characters and at least one Capital.
Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir?
I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.
My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.
And they’re off!
Therapist: What brings you in today?
Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.
Therapist: How bad is it?
Me: It comes in waves.
My uncle was in a band called The Hinges.
They supported The Doors.
So my dad just died because he needed blood and we didn’t know his blood type.
He was so brave and even tried to encourage us, the family around him, with his last breaths. He kept whispering to us to Be Positive.
I tried to carry my oversized board game onto the plane, but I wasn’t allowed.
They said the Risk was too big.