My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What did the movie director say before shooting a dangerous stunt scene?
It’s a take I’m willing to risk.
My boss said to me "You're the worst train driver ever! How many have you derailed this year?!"
I said "I don't know... it's hard to keep track"
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
Waiter: “How do you like your steak, sir”?
Sir: “Like winning an argument with my wife”.
Waiter “Rare it is!”.
I finally found a genie in a bottle! So I asked if it would be possible to change French positives to Spanish...
He replied, "oui shall sí."
How many wives can a monk have?
What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads?
A heroine addict.
My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.
How did the computer eat its supper?
Which bones drive other bones to work?
I looked out of the window and my dad was slumped over the lawnmower crying his eyes out. I said to my mum "what's up with him?"
She said "he's just going through a rough patch".
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine...
What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Plenty of room.
Why does a mermaid wear seashells?
Because she outgrew her b-shells.
I got a hammer lodged in my esophagus and doctors can't remove it
They say it's the worst case of a Thor throat they've ever seen.
What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?
I entered my son’s room and said, "Remember, boy, masturbating can make you go blind."
“I'm over here dad,” he replied.
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No, I'm not," I laughed.
She said, "I'm talking to the kids."
Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.
Luckily, my other dad talked him out of it
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”
I was home in 5 minutes. I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
A friend asked “As a little guy, was your mum super strict with you?”...
I said, “My mum was never a little guy”.
A man walks into a sperm bank.
The doctor says: "Would you get a load of this guy?