Why was the little strawberry crying?
Her mom was in a jam.
The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
The first thing he'll do is to assemble his cabinet.
Have you ever seen a depressed Atom?
It's no laughing matter.
I just finished reading a book called, *How to Avoid Getting Ripped Off*
Best $500 I ever spent!
Boss, “How good are you at Power Point?” Me, “I excel at it.” Boss, “Was that a Microsoft Office pun?”
I accidentally took my cats meds this morning...
Don't ask meow.
What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it?
My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
I heard Arnold Schwarzenegger was just hired to be in a new film about classical composers.
He'll be Bach.
What does a vegetarian zombie eat?
My friend Gavin died after overdosing on heartburn medication.
I can't believe Gaviscon.
Doctor diagnosed me with a rare form of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of 80s bands.
There is no Cure.
Someone stole my mood ring.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
In Germany they even have a sausage made out of other sausages.
It's the wurst of the wurst.
What do you call a hotel breakfast that gives you diarrhea?
I used to have a swear jar, but I changed it into a pessimism jar. Every time I get negative feelings, I put a coin in it.
It’s currently half empty.
I invited my girlfriend over for dinner to have sausages and mash. I warned her that I'm not a very good cook though.
I wanted her to be prepared for the Wurst.
What does garlic do when it gets hot?
It takes its cloves off.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
What did one monocle say to the other?
Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.
Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall...
He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.
Have you heard of Murphy’s Law? Ok, but have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly-sliced cabbage.
What crime was the fussy baby charged with?
Resisting a breast.