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What's the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It’s pasteurised before you can see it.
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now,” she yelled.
“No I’m not,” I laughed.
“I’m talking to the kids!”
A Woodworm walks into a bar...
And asks: “Is the bar tender here?”
My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at martial arts?
The Carroty Kid.
What are terminators called when they retire?
I told my wife that a husband ages like wine. We get better with age.
Then she locked me in the cellar.
My wife and I had a row and it finished with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees!
She said: “Get out from under that bed and fight like a man.”
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
It’s left scientists scratching their heads.
Is "buttcheeks" one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
What subject does a witch teach at school?
Why do bees have sticky hair?
They use honeycombs.
My neighbor kept running across my lawn and then pretends to get blown up by explosives.
I’m tired of his mine games.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing as Arkansas.
What did the mouse use to build his house?
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk.
It’ll be my security gourd.
I found out why nurses carry red crayons.
In case they have to draw blood.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I recently took up meditation.
It’s better than sitting around doing nothing.
When I was 10 my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That was when I realized he was her favorite twin, not me.
What’s the difference between a Scotsman and Walt Disney?
A Scotsman wears a kilt and Walt Disney.
My friend is weirdly addicted to taking blurry pictures of himself in the shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"
Assistant: “No. It kills them.”