what's it called when you tickle a man to death by accident?
Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4, they'd be called chicken sedans.
My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.
I never knew he was a barber.
One sloth turned and said to the other, "I used to dislike moss...
...but now I think it's growing on me."
We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius...
But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.
A roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter,
“five beers, please”.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease.
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Our first single is "Bread or Alive."
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
What part of the hospital has the least privacy?
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults,
I don't listen - and something else.
I stayed up all night, wondering where the sun went.
And then it dawned on me.
Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?"
Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, upto a point."
I've just found out my grandad is addicted to Viagra.
Nobody is taking it harder than my grandmother.
Husband: Help! My wife is going into labor!
Emergence Operator: Is this her first child?
Husband: No, this is her husband.
What is atheism?
A non-prophet organisation.
Doctor: Can we talk about your weight?
Certainly. It was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs didn't break this time.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic.
He said: "Sure, knock yourself out!"
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers.
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers.
(At my boss’s funeral kneeling and whispering at coffin)
"Who's thinking outside the box now Gary?"
I accidentally played 'dad' instead of 'dead' when the bear attacked..
Now, it can ride a bike without stabilisers.
Why is dark written with a K not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.