What’s the cheapest part of a house?
Roof tiles, because they’re on the house.
I was really mad at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.
I said: “Mark, my words.”
Wanna hear a roof joke?
It’s on the house.
My friend in the country couldn’t afford his water bill...
So I sent him a “Get Well Soon” card.
My wife is incredibly smart.
When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered “hey love.”
She already knew it was me!
My son asked me what procrastinate means.
I said: “I’ll tell you later.”
Imagine if vampires had blunt teeth and couldn't bite you?
They would just suck.
What has three letters and starts with gas?
“I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're.
There so stupid.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily it was a soft drink.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He raises his eyes to the heavens and said: “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha!”
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
I'm never using stick deodorant again...
The instructions said: “remove cap and push up bottom.”
I can hardly work now, but my farts smell nice.
What starts with a W and ends with a T.
It really does, I swear.
I asked my dad, “Can we get some pets?”
He said: “No, pets are just a step backwards.”
What did the sand say as the tide came in?
Hey, long time no sea.
My neighbour rang on my doorbell at 3am. Can you believe it!?
Luckily I was still up playing the drums.
I overdosed on viagra once.
Hardest day of my life.
What is the best time of the day, hands-down?
Where do rabbits go after they get married?
On a bunny-moon.
How do you keep a person in suspense?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
My son asked me, “Are vampires real?”
I said: “No, unless you Count Dracula.”