The wedding was beautiful. EVERYONE cried.
Even the cake was in tiers.
I tried to smuggle a wild animal out of Australia...
...but it Dingo as planned.
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking, its going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years.
Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe, but if you remove it, you get...
I don't mean to brag, but...
cashiers are always checking me out.
What do you call the knight who loves to scare people?
I was just looking at my ceiling.
Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
I've started telling everyone about the health benefits of eating dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.
To whoever who stole my Microsoft Office copy, I will find you..
You have my Word.
How much does a rainbow weigh?
Not much, they're pretty light.
What does a copier machine have on its toast in the morning?
I was going to propose to my girlfriend, but my dog ate the ring.
Now it's a diamond in the ruff.
My son asked me “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?” I responded,
“Yes we arson”.
I asked my wife to pick 6 stems of asparagus from the garden. She came back with 7.
The last one is just a spare I guess.
What do you call a short mother?
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos.
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon.
I always take my problems to Tommy
Hilfiger something out.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly ...
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away...
A whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Delighted to say I've finally got a new job installing mirrors!
Nothing fancy, but was something I could always see myself doing.
Technically Moses was the first man to download files from the Cloud...
....using a tablet.
My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.