How long is one minute?
It depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
‘Dad, are we pyromaniacs?’
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, ‘This isn’t for me.”
I got banned from my local gym.
I gues I just didn't work out.
Hired a handyman to do some odd jobs around the house.
He did every other thing on the list.
Can everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons...
Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
People say being a waiter is a bad job...
... but, hey, it puts food on the table.
What do you call a rough Italian neighbourhood?
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties?
Because he’s a funghi.
A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar
The sales asks, "Is your dad home?"
The kid replies, "What do you think?"
What do you call a cute dog who's a magician?
I told my niece that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
She said, "How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”
Someone tried to sell me a coffin today.
I said that's the last thing I need.
When I was a kid, I wanted to play the guitar really badly.
And after years of hard work, practice and dedication, I can now play the guitar really badly.
I had to pack in my job testing treadmills recently. I was really disillusioned..
..and just felt I wasn't going anywhere.
Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...
But Bill kept the Windows.
I once dated a condemned witch.
There was a lot at stake in the relationship, but now she’s just an old flame.
My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards.
I asked, "Y not?"
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forwards.
The reopening of Lego World in 2021 was a big deal.
People were lined up for blocks.
We’re nearly at $50k raised for Covid in India. All the money is going towards buying oxygen tanks. Please donate if possible 🙏
Battling Covid 19 in India
Pubity - Memezar is fundraising for Khalsa Aid International. Donate on JustGiving
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.