Best dad jokes on twitter - we’re also on Instagram and Facebook. Order All New Dad Says Jokes on link below.
What was Icarus's favorite food?
Manager: "Why would you make a good waiter at my restaurant?"
Me: “I bring a lot to the table.”
What do you call a bee that never quite made it in the hive?
A wanna bee.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Why did the 'A' go to the bathroom and come out an 'E'?
It had a vowel movement.
It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore.
What's the difference between an actor and a burnt rodent?
One’s Chris Pratt, the other is a crisp rat.
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have a stable WiFi.
Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him: “My door is always open.”
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
I saw my first porn film last week.
I couldn’t believe how young I looked.
What's the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes: Wham! Damn!
The shitty skydiver goes: Damn! Wham!
Sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers here.
A time traveller walks into a bar.
Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.
Worse case scenario.
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don't open it!
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that ... finally ...
I have fortitude.
Just finished a book about the greatest basement to ever exist.
It was a best cellar.
What do you call people who hate long sentences?
You know what’s really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2.
I just found out that my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof.
I was shocked.