Best dad jokes on twitter - we’re also on Instagram and Facebook. Order All New Dad Says Jokes on link below.
I’ve just written a book about falling down a staircase.
It’s a step by step guide.
When I become a superhero I’m going to be called “ironic”.
So when there’s trouble and I’m running away they’ll shout: “Isn’t that ironic?”
People say I’m a plagiarist...
Their words, not mine.
What do you call a helpful lemon?
I recently switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack....
She hasn’t realised yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I have a perfect memory.
I can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a penny in...
It’s currently half empty.
What did the cannibal's wife say when he came home late for dinner?
I’m giving you the cold shoulder.
Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up?
It’s all over town.
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies ?
I bought a knife that can cut through four loaves of bread at once.
It’s a four loaf cleaver.
How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?
They twerk from home.
People are so sad I’m not entering the bake off this year.
Even their cakes are in tiers.
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What kind of magazines do cows read?
I asked my wife why she married me.
She said “Because you’re really funny.”
I said: “I thought it was because I’m good in bed.”
She said: “See? You’re hilarious.”
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
What is muffins spelled backwards?
Exactly what you do when you take them out the oven.
My IT guy just asked, "How does a computer get drunk?"
It takes screen shots.