It is a five minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering.
So 2 trees got arrested in the town I live...
Heard they've been doing some shady business.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.
She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!
So I heard the guy who invented anagrams passed away today...
May he erect a penis.
My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.
I had some pretty big shoes to fill.
I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
What kind of doctor is Dr.Pepper?
He is a Fizzician.
What is the scariest tree?
I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day.
It was impossible to put down.
I visited my new friend in his apartment.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate visitors.
Woman goes to the butchers, "I'd like an oxtail please."
"Certainly" replies the butcher. "Once upon a time, there was an ox...”
My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”
I said, “Where did that come from?”
What do you call a sick eagle?
I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction.
It was a total flop.......and nobody came.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
What do you call a Magician who lost his magic?
I’ve often heard that “icy” is one of the easiest words to spell.
Looking back at it now, I see why.
What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.
If a Viking is reincarnated,
Is he Bjorn again?
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun...
....that woodwork. I think I nailed it, but nobody saw it.
Waiter: Do you wanna box for your
Dad: No thanks, but I'll wrestle you for
What do you call a bulletproof