I was walking home last night and someone threw a block of cheese out the window and it hit me on the head...
I shouted: “That wasn’t very mature.”
I told my boss that three different companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.
“Which companies are after you?” my boss asked.
“Gas, electric and cable,” I said.
I farted in a packed elevator today!
I knew it was wrong on so many levels.
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
I tied all my spaghetti together last night when I was drunk.
Today I ended up skipping dinner.
What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
I was struggling to get my wife’s attention?
So I simply sat down and looked comfortable.
That did the trick.
Why are mountains funny?
Because they’re hill areas.
Why are the North Koreans the best at geometry?
Because they’ve got a Supreme Ruler.
My Star Wars obsessed son wouldn't stop asking for a car.
So I bought him a toy Yoda.
Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!
Son: I hope you enjoy it. What are your plans?
Dad: I think I’ll just live in the present.
I’ve started growing herbs in my garden.
To help identify them I’m growing them in alphabetical order.
My neighbour asked me, “how do you find the time?”
I said: “Easy, it’s right here next to the sage.”
My favourite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle.
Strange name but she tortoise well.
Did you know there’s no canaries on the Canary Islands?
Same with the Virgin Islands. There are no canaries there either.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks man,” he said. “I’ve been practising it a lot.”
My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.
Our dates can be summarised as follows: dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner Batman.
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again...
I can’t tell you how upset I am.
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese refused to recognise Ty won.
Why did the partially blind man fall in the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
I do a magic show where I make marijuana and cocaine disappear.
It’s all just a bunch of smoke and mirrors.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda.
It was a Fanta Sea.
How do 1960s baby boomers change a lightbulb?
They don’t. They just tell you how good the old one was.