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HUSBAND: I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my grandmother.

WIFE: Why does it say,
"Do not resuscitate?"

A door-to-door salesman knocks on the front door of a house.

It's answered by a 12-year-old holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.

The salesman asks, "Are your parents home?"

The kid replies, "What do you think?"

A hacker got into my bank account and left me a note:

"Please save more money, this was a complete waste of my time".

My friend Jay just had twin daughters and wanted to name them after himself.

I suggested Kaye and Elle.

My wife just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much she loves him.

Held his face in her hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses.

Then left the room.

I'm sitting right next to the dog.

I just had a physical.

The doctor said, "Don't eat anything fatty.
I said, "Like bacon and burgers?"

"No fatty, don't eat anything!"