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I'm going to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money.
I'll be home around 9 pm this evening.
Me: I just had my physical today and the doctor says I'm a beast!
Wife: No, dear, he said you’re obese.
I went for a run but came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run for more than 2 minutes.
Shout out to the people who lock their front door and then have to check it three times to make sure it's locked!
Whoever came up with the spelling for "receipt" was an idiopt.
They say 40 is the new 30 and 50 is the new 40.
All I know is the older I get, the more 9PM
is the new midnight.